I have shed many tears during the past six years. For my son.
At first, it was out of frustration. I just couldn't figure out what to do, how to care for him and make him comfortable. Then, there were tears of fear and questioning - Would he ever speak? How would his life be different? Next came, tears of joy, at his first words and other accomplishments. So many emotions for me, the mother of a child with Sensory Processing Disorder.
Most recently, I stood in my backyard one evening, crying into my husband's shoulder. Broken-hearted, hurting for my son. He had had his third toileting accident at school, because he was afraid to use the restroom. Despite all our efforts, he wouldn't do it. As a result, he pushed his body to it's limits, holding it until he couldn't anymore.
That night, I cried, "It's not fair!" Not fair that he has to deal with fear and anxiety on a daily basis. Not fair that his body gets confused and reacts to normal stimuli atypically, leaving him uncomfortable and agitated.
While the toileting situation has had me the most distraught lately, what brings me to tears most days is the way O thinks. How his mind analyzes everything to the point of anxiety. It tears my heart apart when I realize all the things that go through his mind, which cause him stress and worry.
Some of those things are:
- Whether or not to tell me about an injury, anticipating that the "medicine" might hurt more or that I might offer him a bandaid -
- Wondering if the new pjs I just bought him for "pajama day" will feel itchy -
- Starting each day thinking about what may be different or out of the ordinary -
- Hoping he doesn't make a mistake on his writing assignment -
- Focusing on how many minutes are left until the bell rings, because he doesn't want to be late for school -
- Needing to inspect his food before he eats it, if he eats it -
But, there is also good news. There is a God who answers prayers. A God who loves O more than I ever could and as a result is responding to the pleas of his people. To take away O's sensitivity to smell in the cafeteria. To make the bathroom less scary, so that it can become a part of his routine at school. God has been showing me that when I can't, he can.
That's the truth I want to rest in, every day. God makes promises and fulfills them. He can!
October is Sensory Awareness Month.
One of the purposes of this blog has always been to raise awareness of SPD.
Will you do your part in raising awareness?
Will you share this with one person today?